Twilight Vampires Are Cooler Than Zombies

The internet has a way of collectively deciding that something is cool, and then inflating it to a stature above what it deserves, so that everyone can feel like part of a group by liking the same things.  Bacon and narwhals are not the GREATEST THINGS EVER, but try telling that to Reddit. Internet societies deliberately nurture the illusions that their chosen idols are untouchably, irrefutably amazing, because it gives character to their community, and affords them the joys of inclusion that may have eluded them in childhood.  It’s understandable.

A collective verdict has been similarly decided in the case of Twilight, but in the other direction.  Twilight-hate on the male internets is the rule of law.  It is a gravitational constant, axiomatic, inescapable, occasionally disappearing but always certain to reappear in another form, like a digital Gozer the Traveler.

But unlike most internerds, I’ve actually seen both Twilight movies (with the help of Mike, Bill and Kevin). So I can credibly confirm that yes, the movies are as that which emerges from my dog, and the Twilight vampires themselves are profoundly insulting to the unenvaginated among us.  But I can also confirm that they are still cooler than zombies.

Yes, Twilight draculas sparkle in the daylight rather than disintegrate, live in stable and supportive family environments rather than alone in a castle or a cave, and would prefer to talk about their feelings rather than your blood.  But they do one thing that zombies don’t: they give us something at least slightly new.  At least they’re trying!

Zombies are the same phenomenon as bacon and tired animals, except on a much, much wider scale.  A truly insane percentage of people have decided that zombies are far, far cooler than they actually are, and work tirelessly to support this infallible idea.  They go to every “new” zombie movie, purchase every zombie survival guide and hack-written zombie trade paperback, and exclaim at every opportunity how much they love zombies. In fact, they can’t believe how much they love them.  They would marry a zombie if they could, and can’t wait for the impending zombie apocalypse, because it’s going to be just so freaking awesome.

It has gone way, way too far.  Online dating concern OkCupid.com cites “zombies” as one of its userbase’s most popular interests, and one of the most successful in matching up with a partner.

Source: OkCupid.com

How can anyone  be “interested” in zombies?   It was a cute idea once — ONCE — but why the enduring fascination?  Do people fantasize about lumbering zombie hordes while waiting for red lights to turn green? Is corporate productivity suffering due to an epidemic of zombie-based daydreaming in the workforce?  What is there to think about?

And every year, we are flooded with zombie movies and zombie video games, and they are eaten right up.  Viral marketing has become necessary because our generation is supposedly wary and distrustful of traditional marketing efforts, yet where is that distrust when it comes to shameless zombie cash grabs across all forms of media?  Why has the internet collectively decided that zombies will be the One True Meme, unifying all subsidiary internet communities with its healing glow?

These are the very same internerds who decry Twilight vampires as dumb and pandering. Well guess what, zombie schtick is just as tired and ridiculous and lazy and insulting as Twilight’s treatment of the vampire trope. You can’t have it both ways.

Zombies who crave bacon? UPVOTED!!