Memoirs of a Dungeon Ogre

Me hope momma be proud. Me grow big for to smash good guys. Me miss ol’ cave times wit da fam. Lots o luv from momma den an dere. Wuz good times. Lots of food and critters and smashy smashy halfling adventurahs. But me wanna go off and be big and circus-fuel. Momma gonna be sooo proud of Thumpy. Thumpy got big good job. Now me write jernal fer momma on skin of dead queric I found in dis room. Thumpy wait in room in bottom of dundigeon, dudgeon, dundidgen, scary old place with lots of webs and spiders and shambly corpse thingies. Me wait behind big metal door with club, gonna go smash smash when stupid adventurahs come charging in.

Me got job from old wizzy man. He real smart. He make big stone thingies out of stone and other stuff with the magic words and stuff. They walk and smash too. Me kinda of scaredered of them. Is scaredered a werd? Me no. Me ask big wizzy guy tomorrah when he come to check on me. He very nice. He pat me head and cackle in ear, promise me big thingies like trezer and fame and lots of females. I likes him. He make big pwartal thing to other deemunsion for to make other thingies come out of air and take over werld, cuz he hates werld and wants to kill it and make something he call GREAT NECK ROMANCE STICK EMPAYOR, and he always stands on box and waves arms and shouts real loud when he sez it, even if it is dinner time and the rest of us are eating, cuz he likes to talk about the GREAT NECK ROMANCE STICK EMPAYOR cuz he is funny dat way. But I likes him.

I think momma would like him too. I think momma would like the other guys he gots werking fer him, like those big tall snake thingies with the hissy hissy voices and pokey sticks and the sloshy water every place dey go. They messy. And the sludgy thingies that smell like old unkle Gouger when he farted lots after eating, except the sludgy thingies are diffurunt an I no dis becuz a gobling fell into one and turnered into bones real quick. It wuz funny. It wuz funny cuz I pushed the gobling inter it. Huh huh huh. We all laughed bunches and da wizzy came down at patted me again and said I wuld be great fodder for da GREAT NECK ROMANCE STICK EMPAYOR, but I dun no wat fodder is so I just nodded and wuz happy cuz he likez me. He likez me so much cuz he put me in dis room at da bottom of da place, real bottom too, cuz I don’t remembar how to get out actual now dat I think about it, cuz there wuz lots of turns and stairs and doors, but dats ok becuz I am do impotant job for him: guard big chest in dis room full of thingies like swords and gems and stuff. I askud him why he keeps dis stuff here and not in his office upstairs cuz thats where he werks and he said it was BAYT but I dun no wat BAYT wuz so I just smiled.

I been here few days but I dun no wat to do other than smashy smashy when they come. Oh I tink I here dem now. Big noisy all down to end of hall. Explosuns and stuff I think. Momma gonna be so proud. Here I go!

Luv,
Thumpy